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The Test of Sexual Compatibility before Marriage

Written by  Wednesday, 08 July 2015 00:00

It is always good and advisable for a couple to spend time together before they decide to get married. They have to have time together to see if they can be husband and wife for the rest of their life. It is good to see if they are mentally, spiritually and emotionally compatible. They have to be at least on the same page when it comes to money spending and saving habits, for example, and about their long term goals regarding school loans (to pay it off or to even get a loan), where to live (in apartment, townhouse or single house – to buy or to rent), and what car or how many cars to drive and etc.


Whenever this topic of “compatibility” comes up, there is one question that pops up in most young people’s mind. “So, don’t we need to know if we’re sexually compatible before we get married?” Let’s take one dictionary definition of compatibility.

Compatible: Capable of existing or living together in harmony. So compatible relationship means an environment where both parties involved will be capable of living together without creating any disagreement or conflict that will disturb the peace or the harmony. Let’s take one area of life that is highly advisable for couples to be compatible before they proceed to marriage; i.e. mental compatibility. This is more of how to think, perceive and process something to come up with a decision. One of the natures of compatibility is to be able to reach a place where compromise is acceptable. Both at their turn, not technically but out of love, let go of their interest and compromise for the well-being of their long term relationship.


Let’s say the woman is very spontaneous and doesn’t want to take time to think through about something before she reaches to a decision. The man, on the other hand, doesn’t jump into any conclusion about anything unless he takes his time and process it through. Well, these are the two completely opposite people in a relationship. Let’s assume that they immediately identified their differences in this regard and amazingly enough they found it exciting and attractive but at the same time they found out that these particular differences were the sources of their conflict. After sometime, they came into agreement and decided to give each other space to a certain extent, like a woman can spontaneously buy that red lipstick she saw in the mall without consulting with him and a man can take his time to think through whether to go to his friend’s wedding or not without her nagging him to decide quickly. As the day goes by, they nicely worked through their differences and found a way to go around it without endangering the health of their relationship.


Well, when it comes to sex, compatibility test fails short of determining whether the couple can enjoy each other sexually for the rest of their married life or not because the nature of sex doesn’t allow one to determine to what extent they can compromise and to what extent they can agree and disagree. Sex requires a life time of being sexually bonded to get to that stage of compromise. For example, good sex is a result of good relationship, good mental, spiritual, emotional and physical oneness which is not going to happen before marriage or during the honeymoon season. As the couple’s relationship flourishes, sex will be enjoyable.


Sex is something that gets affected, positively or negatively, by the condition of the couple’s mental, physical, emotional and spiritual condition; including age, season of life and mental and emotional status of the couple. There is no way for anyone to see how their sex life in the marriage is going to be by trying it before marriage. There is one trap of the devil that every single person should be aware of, i.e. the trap of “double dose packed sex” (DDPS). I called it DDPS because the level of hormones produced during a sexual intercourse between an unmarried couple becomes so high. This is because the sex hormones during such an act are coupled with “fight or flight hormones” which are kicked in as the sex is a stolen one. The Bible says this about the stolen sex: “  “Stolen water is sweet;     food eaten in secret is delicious!”” Proverbs 9:17 When a man and a woman who are not married have sex, they know that they are taking something that is not theirs. So, they do it but they do it hiding it from everybody and God (so they think). That creates a great excitement, which triggers those sexual hormones to kick in. Why double dose? Sexual hormones are secreted when sex naturally occurs during sex among married couples; but when sex occurs outside marriage, the sex is stolen and the fact that it is stolen and hidden from others adds more excitement to the sex hormones to be secreted in combination with other hormones which normally won’t get secreted during sex (fight or flight phenomenon).


Well, couples then think that sex will be like that all the time after they get married. The truth of the matter is for that high excitement to happen they have to steal sex every time. And not only that but for DDPS to occur continuously, they have to keep on changing sex partners. Otherwise that high sexual excitement cannot continue. That high excitement state is not natural and not healthy for anyone. A person who is addicted to that kind of experience can’t stay in a long-term relationship, let alone in marriage. Why? Because they get addicted to the unnatural sex; addicted to the hormones, and can’t enjoy the normal sex one enjoys with his/her spouse without feeling any guilt, stress, fear, anxiety and depression. Therefore from a number of reasons why unmarried people should save their sex for the first night of their wedding, being exposed to the highly dosed sex takes precedent.


Sex before marriage doesn’t have any legitimate and biblical role in any-body’s life unless to bring death and destruction to self. Yes, since sex is sin before marriage, good relationship can’t prevail out of sin; good health cannot result from sinful relationship; the couples logical thinking ability will be affected when stress, anxiety, depression, guilt and despair set in after the premarital sex. So “sexual compatibility” test is the test the world creates from its own fantasy; for the ungodly to continue in their sinful lifestyle. If couples know that they are compatible in all areas of their life except sex, they will definitely be compatible in their marital sexual life after marriage because good sex is the result of good and healthy relationship of married couples.

Read 9081 times Last modified on Wednesday, 08 July 2015 15:07
Meskerem T. Kifetew, PharmD

Married for 17 years with one man, have three kids; living in Maryland, USA; starting January 2014, I gave my full time to the ministry God has given me (Appeal for Purity); I teach in the area of sexual purity/immorality for singles and married couples at different places, in Amharic and English; I teach about sexual intimacy for married couples; I am one of the family ministry leaders in my church of 19 years (International Ethiopian Evangelical Church in DC); I'm licensed pharmacist in the state of Maryland since 2007 but currently I'm focusing on more counseling, writing and publishing CDs and DVDs in the area of my focus, which is sexual purity/immorality. My book, Beyond the Fairytale, will soon be on the market (Jan. 2015).

Website: Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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